(Another) 14 things that are more likely to happen than winning - Spokane, North Idaho News & Weather KHQ.com

(Another) 14 things that are more likely to happen than winning the Powerball (and 3 made up scenarios that are probably less likely)

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The jackpot for Wednesday's drawing is more than $1 Billion The jackpot for Wednesday's drawing is more than $1 Billion
SPOKANE, Wash. -

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Remember last week when we were all salivating over the prospect of winning $500 million in the Powerball drawing? Remember how amazing half a billion dollars sounded? Pfft. $500 million is so passè. Now someone gets to be a billionaire. 

Last week, I told you exactly what I would do with that much money. Surprisingly I'm finding my ambitions do indeed change with the prospect of collecting the $1.5 BILLION that is up for grabs on Wednesday. The original staples are still there, just bigger and better:

1.) Donate money to charity (Did you hear that Karma? I'm going to use some of the money to help others. Humans and animals. I'm completely deserving of your consideration to win $1.5 billion now), but since I would have twice as much money, I would do it in a much more magnificent fashion. I would take a giant block of it, drop it from an airplane  then jump out after it and cut it open, a la the new Point Break movie, high above some city, town, or village and watch as the cash rained down upon the deserving people below while I parachuted to safety. 

2,.) Open a bloodhound shelter. With $500 million, this was going to be a simple shelter for hobo bloodhounds with no place else to go. However, with $1.3 billion, this will now be a shelter/revolutionary experiment. I will build the shelter to be the first self-reliant bloodhound shelter ever. It will be called "Hound City" and it will essentially be a small community run by bloodhounds, for bloodhounds. There will be a bloodhound mayor, a bloodhound police chief (don't worry, the mayor will hand pick the police chief taking into consideration, of course, the recommendations of a law enforcement panel. What could go wrong?), a bloodhound grocery store, etc. There will be slobber. 

3.) I also said I would buy an authentic Predator suit from the movie Predator and perch high above downtown Spokane on buildings. However, more money I will not only be able to buy more Predator suits for my friends, but I will also buy twice as many Alien suits from Alien for my enemies and we will battle on the rooftops and streets of downtown Spokane. A real-life Alien vs. Predator taking place in downtown Spokane. That is my promise to you. 

4.) New to the list would be to fund a remake of the movie Point Break using beavers. Beavers and only beavers. It will have to be better than the most recent remake. That I promise you. 

Those are just a few of the things I would do. There are plenty more, but I have other articles to write and first thing's first, I have to win that $1.3 billion on Wednesday. 

If you read my previous article on this last week, the odds of winning are not great. 1 in 292,000,000.

Common sense says your odds significantly decrease if you don't buy a ticket. Someone is eventually going to win, so go buy a ticket, because it could be you. (Please play responsibly) 

However, much like last week's article, 14 things that are more likely to happen than winning Powerball, I want to make sure you know exactly how unlikely it is you will win the jackpot. So without further ado, here is the sequel

14 things that are more likely to happen than winning the Powerball Part II: First Jackpot, Powerball Harder with a Vengeance: 

1.) Getting Murdered on a Trip to the Grand Canyon (1 in 8,156,000): According to my last Google search, I have a 1 in 18,000 chance of being murdered. Wanting to step that up for this action-packed sequel I thought "What are my chances of being murdered at the Grand Canyon?" The answer is apparently 1 in 8.1 million. The statistic didn't specify how I would be murdered, but I imagine I would unknowingly get involved in some sort of tour burro scheme, end up owing the wrong people money and just disappear. If you're going to get murdered at the Grand Canyon, that's the way to go. 

Speaking of death... 

2.) Being Accidentally Declared Dead by the Social Security Administration (1 in 23,483): Did I really die in the Burro Pyramid Scheme, or did the Social Security Administration just say I did? 

3.) Being the Same Height as Actor Hugh Jackman (1 in 23.3): If you're like me, you've watched X-Men, Swordfish, and Real Steel repeatedly and thought, "Man, I wish I could be exactly as tall as Hugh Jackman!" Well, I already lost in this jackpot. I'm a perfect 6'0" - and so is one of the greatest thespians of all time - Nicolas Cage! I still win!

4.) Having Quadruplets naturally, without fertility treatments (1 in 700,000): I was surprised when I saw these odds because I figured they would fall under the category of things LESS likely to happen than winning the Powerball, since, you know, I'm a guy. How am I supposed to have quadruplets, Google? 

5.) Bowling a 300 game (1 in 11,500): The odds become 0 if it's Shabbos. Everyone knows you don't roll on Shabbos. 

6.) Hitting a Hole-In-One On a Par 3 Course (1 in 12,500): I usually hit around +12,548 when I golf 18 holes, and I have yet to hit a hole-in-one, so I'm not buying this one. 

7.) Finding "Boardwalk" in McDonald's Monopoly's $1 million prize (1 in 651 million): This one is complicated, but I'm about to drop a free investment clinic for you here, so pay attention. It always seems so simple. You just need two pieces to win $1 million! So $1,200 and 50 pounds later, you finally decide to throw in the towel and stop reaching for the elusive "Boardwalk" piece. It's an expensive, and heavy, lesson to learn.

According to Mental Floss, your odds of finding "Park Place" are 1 in 11. The odds of finding "Boardwalk" are about 1 in 651 million. The odds of getting them both for some reason increases to 1 in 3.5 BILLION! That math doesn't make sense internet! Here's some math that does. 

If you win the $1.5 billion, you could buy 651 million $1 cheeseburgers and get that Boardwalk piece! You could then use $11 from your remaining $649,000,000 and get that Park Place piece! Then, after you win the $1 million, you're left with $649,999,989! That's sound investment advice for the winner! Wait a minute... 

8.) Have an IQ of 190 or Greater (1 in 107 million): In case you couldn't tell by my McDonald's Monopoly theory, I did not fall into this category. If you do happen to fall into category, I'd like to discuss my plans for a fully functional "Hound City" with you. If you have time we can discuss Point Break Beavers. With $1.3 billion in my pocket, I can pay you handsomely. 

9.) Dating a Supermodel (1 in 880,000): The Los Angeles Times says you have a 1 in 880,000 chance of dating a supermodel. Author Gregory Baer says the odds are more like 1 in 88,000. If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, those odds decrease to 1:1. I'm married now and already hit the jackpot with my wife. Someone please show her this article. 

10.)  Losing an Appendage in a Chainsaw Accident (1 in 4,464): It was unclear if this involved some sort of horror movie, logging, or ice sculpting scenario. I'm just going to stay away from all three. 

11.) Dying From Being a Left-Handed Person Who Misuses Right-Handed Products (1 in 7 million): I've always said my hot, super-model-esque wife, who happens to be left-handed, is one in a million, but for her sake I hope she's 1 in 7.1 million! 

12.) Becoming a billionaire without winning the lottery (1 in 785,000): Your odds are significantly better to become a billionaire naturally, rather than buying the ticket. Of course, these odds might be made under the presumption that I have a special talent, or a greater understanding of stocks and investments beyond the terms of "Bull Market" and "Dow Jones" (Honestly, I'm not even sure what those are). I think I'll just stick to buying a ticket. 

13.) Dying from Chronic Constipation (1 in 2,215,900): When I was a kid, I'm pretty sure this is what my rabbit Ralph died from. I'm not a rabbit doctor and I don't want to get into too much detail here, but let's just say I have evidence to support this. 

14.) Getting Injured by a Toilet (1 in 10,000): There is a supervolcano in Yellowstone. The last time it erupted was around 640,000 years ago. It erupted 660,000 years prior to that. What does this have to do with being injured by a toilet? Well, I did some math. I'm 32 years old now. I don't know for sure when I was potty trained, but I'm going to (generously) assume it was before I was 3-years-old, That means I've been using the toilet (on average, depending on my diet) once a day. That means I've already used the toilet 10,585 times in my life. At least! Could I be due for a toilet injury? I can't be too sure, and from now on will wear a life jacket and helmet when visiting the restroom. It's just too much of a risk. Of course, Gambler's Fallacy explains why this is a bogus line of thinking, but you can't be too careful. 

There are your 14 downers.

In the previous article, this was the spot for optimism. The part that listed things that were less likely to happen to you than winning the Powerball. This list could be never-ending so I'm just going to make some specific scenarios up under the assumption they are less likely to happen. 

1.) Getting stuck on a tarmac in Tokyo with Keanu Reeves sitting next to you in coach (you in seat 37A, Keanu in seat 37B), only to have Mel Gibson show up (sober) driving a 1974 Ford Pinto with an amateur General Lee paint job, taking you both off the plane to a karaoke bar in downtown Tokyo that only has the catalog of The Offspring, Hootie and the Blowfish and Collective Soul to choose from, while the three of you sing and party until 6:37 a.m. the next morning (1 in 10^6690995): Those odds sound about right. Playing Powerball doesn't sounds so bad, does it? 

2.) Me Attending a Kayne West Concert (1 in Never): This just simply will never happen. Period. 

3.) Becoming 1 of 2 hitmen who upon retrieving a case filled with some sort of gold-glowing substance for your boss who wears a Band-Aid on the back of his neck and tries to convince boxers to take a dive on fights in the waning moments of their career, gets into trouble when he accidentally shoots one of the men who had his case in the face in the back of your car, then have to rely on the help of a man who calls himself "The Wolf" to get you out of that pickle, and then take the wife of that same Band-Aid-wearing boss out on a date to a 50's-style restaurant while he's out of town, and later have to inject a shot of adrenaline into her heart because she mistook one drug for another, and finally meet your demise when you accidentally leave your weapon out on the counter of the same dive-taking boxer, who just came home to retrieve a watch and eat some Pop-Tarts, who then takes your own weapon and shoots you dead. In that order. I think. (1 in 10^4,500,000,000,000,000): Did I just ruin Pulp Fiction for you? You should see it. It's good. 

Do you have any other fun odds to add? What would you do with the money? Let me know on my Facebook page.

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